This post is a little more personal than normal. I have been a suffer of depression for years. It’s an up and down struggle for me. Things got pretty bad in October. After starting off on a great routine, I somehow struggled to get out of bed in the mornings. I felt like a ton of horrible things were happening to me. One of them still affect me. Someone close to my family treated me really badly. I still feel the brunt of that today. I also got into a car accident. It wasn’t serious, as in no one got hurt. I had 3 babies with me that morning. But I was seeing a chiropractor for a back sprain. Soon after that, I found out that B, my 5-year-old had 7 cavities and a surgery was suggested. Talk about guilt mixed in with fear and a Dad that disagrees with not only my decision to go through with it but advice saying the surgery was a “better option” from her very own dentist, her dentists nurse, her physicians nurse, and 2 specialists. There was a lot of arguing and the disagreement didn’t make the guilt from the cavities ease, but worse. For some reason, a fluke, B was removed from our health insurance 2 days before the scheduled surgery. I didn’t even know until I took her to the doctor for the pre-op physical and was informed there. After everything was all set to go for her surgery. It wasnt a quick fix and according to the insurance company they don’t know what happened. So I feel like a moron calling like a day or 2 before the surgery and had to cancel. That has been on the back burner for months now. I cried a lot this winter. I stopped volunteering at Big M’s school. Something that makes my life as a SAHM seem more fulfilling and less stoic. Maybe that term is a bit strong. I love serving at home, but at times I just go through the motions. I stopped attending church as much. Something I thrive on. Something I need. And love. I stopped going to my connect group. I stopped going to CR. I stopped going to my “mom’s aerobic group”. I really needed to be surrounded by all that love. I really need to do those things to strengthen my faith. And just connect with adults. But I didn’t have the energy. My life just stopped. I spent my days sleeping a lot.
The depression has gotten better with treatment. I could still be doing more, but I just don’t. And my only excuse is that I don’t have the energy. I volunteered at Big M’s school this past week for the first time in months. Volunteering at school made me feel really good and refreshed. Honestly, the hours leading up to it, I was dreading going. I can think of a million excuses. Our evening would be spent rushing to eat an early dinner and rushing to get home and ready for bed because I had to take my children. But, I’m really happy I went. I spent the evening with 2 women whose company I enjoy and we laughed, drank coffee, snuck some cookies, and got to connect with other parents.
A few weeks ago, I was asked by a member of my church to serve on the Welcome Team. I excitedly and gladly excepted and signed up right away! I have thought about serving a lot but always talk myself out of it. I have talked about my time management skills before and well… they suck. I have 3 children that I basically do everything physically for. Not complaining, but it is time-consuming and exhausting. Today, the “First Impressions” group at church was meeting at 9. I went to bed excited and ready. I woke up at 7:30, well before my alarm. As the morning wore on, my confidence was dwindling. Satan was grabbing ahold of me. Crumbling my self-worth and ability to be a good and faithful servant. I actually picked up the postcard I got in the mail this week inviting me to the meeting and thought about canceling. I quickly knew that was the wrong choice to make. I wanted to commit. I wanted to do this. I want to serve God. I went to the meeting. I got there on time. I enjoyed myself and met some great women there. I’m very excited about serving God and proud I listened to Him when He reached out to me. Like I said, I had always wanted to serve more in my church, but something in me always pulled me back. It has been hard to get back into my routine but having such supportive friends and family has helped. I have been praying each night and beginning to make time to meditate each morning and the path God had for me has been much clearer. Life is Good.